The Bush News Briefs

Here’s a pretty amusing series of short news briefs depicting our president’s adventures during his last days in office that the Onion published recently. It made me chuckle anyway.

KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being accidentally dragged behind the presidential motorcade for a period of 15 minutes. According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, Bush’s necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade’s second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated. The president was dragged down 175th Street for 26 blocks and through four stoplights, leaving a trail of blood more than a mile long. Upon hearing shouts emanating from behind his vehicle, the driver abruptly applied the brakes, causing the third car in the motorcade to run over the president’s left leg at a speed of approximately 25 miles per hour. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.

And another one:

WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed in the Oval Office after spontaneously expelling a 3-pound kidney stone from his bladder, sources reported Tuesday. According to witnesses, the president was attending his daily Iraq War briefing when he suddenly began shrieking loudly and clutching his abdomen, a mixture of blood and urine pooling rapidly around his feet. Bush was able to maintain consciousness through more than 20 minutes of excruciating pain, even after the jagged, grapefruit-sized crystal aggregation shredded his urethra and dropped from his left pant leg, finally rolling to a stop on the presidential seal in the middle of the Oval Office carpet. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

..and another…

HOMESTEAD, FL—A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush’s left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was reportedly standing waist-deep in a swamp at Everglades National Park when the crocodile struck, also sustained severe puncture wounds and torn flesh in his hip and upper thigh. According to witnesses, Bush attempted to fend off the large reptile with his left arm, but the crocodile latched onto it above the elbow, dragged the president underwater, and ripped his arm from its socket. Bush’s severed arm was unable to be recovered. Doctors confirmed that he will be fitted with a prosthetic limb in a procedure Friday, and that he is currently being treated for sepsis. Bush is resting comfortably in Annapolis Naval Hospital.

There was nothing about him choking on a pretzel. Maybe because that was actually true.

4 Responses to “The Bush News Briefs”

  1. Innsol says:

    Some people have been wondering about these pieces. I find them funny mainly because they’re really the tiniest of articles, buried away in the paper, whereas you’d expect news like that to be screaming headlines in real life – the Onion’s referencing to how much people actually still care about the deeply unpopular & lame duck president.

  2. peteDog says:

    Yes, we care in a please-let-time-pass-quicker-before-he-has-the-opportunity-to-screw-up-more-stuff kind of way.
    But, I do agree that a lot of the humor of these articles comes from their suitableness, and the fact that they by no means are “headline” news.

  3. Chan Chan says:

    I can’t help but laugh my ass off at this one:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmt2_wyDKJI

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